I’ve been having a hard time with blogging the last few months. I keep telling myself I need to post, keep setting a day, keep sitting down to write. But every time I open up a new post, the blank screen stares back at me and all the sudden I just can’t. After a while of racking my brain, staring at the screen, and typing and then immediately deleting what I just typed, I’ve inevitably shut my IPad/computer in frustration and promised myself next week.
It’s not that I don’t have any post ideas. I mean sometimes I don’t. But sometimes I have, and yet when I tried to write them it just wouldn’t come. The more time that passed and the more I felt I NEEDED to write, the harder it got. I had the same experience earlier today. But after I’d once again shut my iPad in frustration, I had a minor epiphany.
I know why I’ve had writer’s block.
These past few months, all said and done, have been the healthiest I’ve had in years. And it’s not like my chronic illnesses have gone away. They don’t do that, unfortunately. And it’s not like there’s nothing to write about when I’m doing well. The thing is, even though my immunodeficiency or migraines or digestive issues never go away, when they’re not bothering me as much, I don’t have to think about them as much. And even more so–I really don’t want to think about them.
When I’m feeling crappy, it’s cathartic, in a way, to write about my experiences with chronic illness and connect with others dealing with similar things. But when I’m feeling good….
“Normal” life takes over more.
And I get excited about the progress I’m making and everything I’m being able to do.
And then if I think about it–I get terrified.
Terrified that a bad turn is just around the corner; that everything I’ve worked for and all the progress I’ve made will suddenly be taken from me again. And I don’t want to think about that.
That’s the thing about chronic illness–it waxes and wanes, flares and goes into remission–and it’s so hard to be able to fully enjoy the periods of reprieve, because you know at any moment it could end.
This post is me acknowledging that fact. I’m so freaking happy that I haven’t missed a class this semester, that I’ve been able to start jogging again, that I’ve been able to keep tutoring, that I haven’t had to miss things because of feeling poorly. But I’m also so scared.
So my friends out there with chronic conditions–physical and/or mental–how do you deal with this “flare fear?” I’d love to get your thoughts!